Random Imaginings
by Wynter Spite
Summary: So, this is gonna be a multi-chaptered kinda thing. It'll have humorous situations with characters from books and shows and mangas, like Sherrilyn Kenyon's Dark-Hunter novels, Gena Showalter's Lords of the Underworld books, the Black Cat manga, Yu-Gi-Oh (not just the first ones), the Hobbit (the movie), Kresley Cole's Immortals After Dark books, Sherlock (the TV series), and more.
1. Chapter 1

I stared at Ash and his five foot height. And his curst normality.

I stared a little more.

Okay, maybe a little more.

Okay, just a teeny bit more.

And then I realized that I'd been staring at him for an hour and he was looking really nervous.

I sniffed. I sniffed again. My lower lip wobbled. Acheron took on a horrified expression. I sniffed yet again.

And then I burst into tears.

Acheron stared at me, horrified, not to mention terrified, to the very core of his being.

Which usually means his nuts.

Thankfully, he's cooler than normal guys.

Normal.

I let out another sob.

I threw myself into Andrea's arms and pointed at Ash, my lip wobbling pitifully. "Make him taller, Andrea. Make him taller!"

And, boom! Suddenly, Acheron was 6'8!

I pushed Andrea out the window, completely forgotten, and climbed onto Ash's back. I hugged him tight, sobbing in relief.

I only realized what I'd done when Acheron fell to the floor face-first. I got off him carefully and looked down at his head with his long, black hair.

I nudged him with the tip of my boot.

I coughed and glanced around.

Then I hid the body.


	2. Chapter 2: Six-foot-eight No More

"Oh, Ash, I'm so glad you're not normal!" I cried, grabbing the 6'8 man and wrapping my arms around him.

But suddenly, 'poof'!

He was five feet tall.

"Nooo," I wailed.

Suddenly, Sarah burst into the room, took one look at Acheron, and shot him three times in the back. She nodded in satisfaction and turned to me.

"So," she said casually. "Was that who I thought it was, or did I just shoot an innocent bystander? 'Cause, if that's the case, we need to hide the body fast. Heck, we need to hide the body anyway. I've got another body in need of hiding and the cops're on my tail. So whatcha say? A cemetery or a random neighbors' yard?"


	3. Chapter 3: Ignorance and Undead Poodles

"Ashy-baby!" I said cheerfully. "Wha-" I tripped in that cool way I have and smacked my knee into Acheron's foot.

"Guh!" he choked out, losing all sense of dignity and grabbing his foot. He hopped up and down, making pitiful noises.

I pulled myself up, my elbow ramming into his kidneys, and shoved my hair out of my face. "Oh. Sorry, dude. You didn't need that kidney, did you? I mean, two seems a bit much, doesn't it?"

"No, no, I'm fine. You're just slowly killing me. No big deal," Ash wheezed.

"Oh, Ash," I sniffed, putting a hand over my heart. "You're so understanding."

"Help," he gasped as he slid to the ground.

"You know, Ashy-sweetie, I had this great idea for world domination," I continued on blithely, ignoring the way Acheron was wheezing and choking. Not to mention having a heart attack. But that wasn't important.

"Doctor!" Ash coughed, the his voice sounding strangled. "I need a doctor!"

"What? No," I waved a hand dismissively. "Are you kidding? A doctor won't take care of my loss of big, evilness-inducing socks."

"Doctor," he puffed.

"I told you, doctors don't sell big socks!" I said irritably.

"Doc . . . tor . . ." Acheron flopped over.

"By the way, I borrowed your credit card and bought myself a few really expensive cities. Oh, and I took all of your money out of your accounts. I mean, you only need a few dollars . . . uh, nickels . . . right? Righ-oh." I paused and looked down at Acheron's body. "Gee. Guess you don't. 'Cause I was just gonna tell you that you're broke and you owe a couple of really dangerous and psychotic creditors." I heaved a put-upon sigh. "Guess I'll go and raid Zarek's mattress and couches." One hour later, after I'd left, Acheron was reincarnated as a poodle.

I know. Flattering, isn't it? But a demi-god can't just die like that, so I took the liberty of resurrecting him.

No need to thank me. Your horrified expression is good enough.


	4. Chapter 4: Money Made Easy

"Hey," I called to Amun, the Keeper of Secrets. He looked about in panic for an escape, but it was too late!

"Hey, Money," I said, grabbing his arm in a vise grip and giving him a smarmy smile. "I'm gonna sell you on Ebay."

And, just like that, I made millions. 


	5. Chapter 5: Leetle Goils

Creed rose slowly from the ground. "My heart breaks," he whispered.

I snorted. "Like a leetle girl?"

They turned to stare at me.

"Leetle leetle leetle," I taunted. 


	6. Chapter 6: Kindred Spirits (Or Not)

"Creed!" Shiki snapped. "Enough! This is pure folly! You have wasted quite enough energy on the Black Cat! If you were rational for one moment, you'd know- that man could never be one of us!"

"Shut up!" Creed hissed. "Or I will kill you where you stand."

The ground began to crack where he stood.

"You . . . You couldn't even begin to understand. Train . . . he wasn't like the rest of them. He hated the world and trusted no one. His only goal, to grow stronger. We were _kindred spirits_!"

"Kinthred thpiridths . . ." I murmured.

"You could NEVER understand! Back then, Train was the _devil himself_!"

"Tha devil himthelf . . ." I echoed.

"You will never understand!" Creed snarled. "_Never_!"

"Neva." I nodded in agreement.

Creed turned to glare at me. "Would you _mind_?"

I blinked at him, a hurt expression on my face. "I wath jutht agreeing wit' yoo."

"_Aaarggghh!_" Creed shouted, throwing his hands up. "Would you _stop talking like that?_"

"But . . . I'm cute," I said, blinking woundedly. Minutes passed. I looked around, the silence deafening. "I'm cute, right?"


	7. Chapter 7: Pancakes as Waffls

Koldo held Axel in a tight embrace. "I love you."

"Oh," I sniffed from the corner of the cell, wiping a tear from the corner of my eye. "I love you, too."

"What the- how did you get there?" Axel yelled.

"I traded my sister for a waffle," I said depressingly. "It wasn't even a very good waffle, to be honest. I think it was just a pancake shaped like a waffle."

"What's the difference?" Axel said peevishly.

"What's the difference?" I said, outraged. "The difference is that it darn well wasn't as darn good as it darn could've darn been darn!" I paused. "Did that come out right?" 


	8. Chapter 8: Painful Celebrity Worship

Bastion looked up to see Alexis walking toward him.

"Alexis . . ."

"Congrats, Bastion," she said. "You're up against Jaden next, eh?"

"Yes . . . good luck to you, Alexis!" Bastion said.

She held up a hand as she walked by him.

"Huh? Ah . . ." Bastion held up his hand.

Alexis high-fived him as she walked past. "I will . . . _win!_"

Bastion stared at his hand in awe. "I will never wash this hand again."

Suddenly, I grabbed his arm and threw it in a vat of acid. "Now you'll never need to!" I said happily. "No, no!" I said over the sound of his screams. "Thank YOU."


	9. Chapter 9: Sisterhood of the Cards

"_Gooo_!" I yelled, grabbing the card and basically flinging my arm out of its socket. "Andreaaaaa! Beat 'em all up!"

Andrea just stared at me. "Uh, excuse me," she said. "Are you talking to me? 'Cause I know you did not just yell at me to beat those people up."

"Andrea!" I stomped my foot. "Look, just beat them up, okay?"

She shrugged. "Okay."

So that was when I was arrested and Andrea got confiscated.  
>And she spent the rest of her life in a waste basket, just like she deserved.<p> 


	10. Chapter 10: Ashbrowns

Acheron opened his eyes to find that he was lying on something black and smooth. "What the . . . ?" He tried to pull himself up, but it was no use. He was completely paralyzed. His back felt warm and was growing warmer.

He was starting to burn.

He started to grow panicked, tried to move, to do something. He soon realized it was no good.

He was completely helpless.

Then the burning really started.

"Andrea!" I called minutes later. "Your Ashbrowns are ready!" 


	11. Chapter 11: Loserville

Yuma Tsukumo walked along the cracked stone path, the screams of the damned, not to mention me, ringing out. I had gone into shock at the sight of his hideously humorous hair.

You couldn t blame me. His hair was truly a master piece of horror.

He stopped in front of two huge, chained stone doors.

'He who opens this door will gain new strength.  
>'However, in exchange . . . He will lose what he holds most important.'<p>

"My . . . My most important thing?" Yuma said questioningly, catching his pwetty little goil necklace and staring down at it.

* * *

><p>Yuma gasped and opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling.<p>

What a convenient thing it would ve been if that ceiling had only fallen in on itself. But no! It had to stay like that, just . . . just sitting there! The horrible thing. It couldn t commit just one measly little murder?

Whew, Yuma sighed in relief, having no idea the danger he d been in just seconds before.

Stupid ceiling.

"Again . . ." he murmured, holding his necklace in his hand.

Wait, death by strangulation! Yes! I have a plan, my dear little Readers, never fear!

He glanced at the clock. He took a double take. _Agh!_ He grabbed his school shirt and rushed down the stairs. Ahh, the opportunities. Just one little misstep and vengeance could ve been mine!

"Akari! C'mon, sis!" he complained as he ran down the stairs. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"Yuma!" his sister said, not even glancing at him. You couldn't blame her. He was such an unsightly creature. "You slept in again? I'm busy transmitting the news in the mornings! You're in middle school. Wake yourself up. Yes, desk? About the 3:00 dispatch . . ."

Yuma stuck his tongue out at her, but was ignored. By the world at large.

"I'm leaving! Later!" he said, running outside. 'Argh!' he groaned in his head. 'I was up half the night tweaking my deck so I could beat Tatsuo . . .' The little bugger. As if he could ever beat me, the Author! Wait, what were we talking about? Ah, right. His complete and utter lameness in the face of my totally awesome brilliance.

"Hey, Yuma!" his grandmother said, using her broom to pick him up by his bag strap, which should be physically impossible. But did they care about my opinion? No!

"Grandma, what're you doing?" Yuma yelled, swinging rather stupidly from the broom. Ah, the beauty of conveniently severe head injuries . . .

"Did you eat breakfast?" his grandma asked.

"Forget breakfast!" Yuma whined. "I'm gonna be late!"

His grandmother (who had cheeks like apples, except they were more like oranges, not because of their color, but because of the way they looked like if you threw one of them at someone, the least that could happen would be that it hit their head and put them in a year-long coma) picked up one of the cards that had fallen to the ground. "Hm?"

"I reworked my deck again last night . . ." Yuma said, rubbing the back of his head. Alas, not from a severe head injury.

Granny narrowed her beady little eyes at him. "How many times has Tatsuo beaten you? Forty?"

". . . Maybe fifty?" Yuma coughed, scratching his cheek.

"Eating right in the morning gives you energy all day! You need more fuel in your belly! That's why you can't duel! That, and you're a loser."

Well, that's not quite what she said, but it should've been.


	12. Chapter 12: In the Eye of the Beholder

Paris stared down at me, his gorgeousness almost blinding.

I looked up at him.

He smiled at me.

I said, "I want to punch you in the face."

He started to smile again, obviously assuming I was just joking.

I punched him in the face.

He clutched his nose.

I smiled winningly at him. "Was that as good for you as it was for me?"

It wasn't as good for him as it was for me.


	13. Chapter 13: Cornered and by the Devil

"Who are you?" Reyes demanded.

"How did you get here?" Stryder insisted.

"Why are you here?" Sabin ordered.

I stared up at the Lords of the Underworld adoringly.

"Why is she looking at us like that?" Kane asked, looking disturbed.

I clasped his hand lovingly.

"Is she creeping you out, or is it just me?" Paris muttered.

I then clasped HIS hand lovingly.

"I love you guys," I said tenderly.

"Uhh . . ."

I pulled twenty rings out of my pocket. "Will you all marry me? Ya'll can choose the rings."

"Good gods," Paris breathed, horrified.

"Where's Death when you need him? Lucien? _LUCIEN!"_ Kane yelled.

I petted his hair affectionately. "I'm gonna hug you and wuv you and call you George," I cooed.

"Dear God in Heaven . . ."

In the end, none of them married me.

I cried on my sister's shoulder. "I feel so unloved!"

She patted me on the back and replied, "Suck it up, jerkwad."


	14. Chapter 14: Bloodsucking Neckcloths

I glared at Lucien's neckcloth thing suspiciously. Then I poked it.

I recoiled. "What _is_ it?" I whispered, horrified and not entirely convinced that the hideous thing wouldn't try to eat me.

I spent the rest of the day hiding in a random closet with garlic and a stake in my hand.


	15. Chapter 15: Professional Hairstyling

I stared at the Lords of the Underworld.

Then I turned and put my head on Andrea's shoulder. "Oh, Andrea," I wailed. "It's just so horrible!"

Andrea patted me on the back. "There, there," she soothed.

I pointed at the Lords. "Do something, Andrea," I whispered. My face crumpled. "I don't want to have to look at their awful, awful hair."

And Andrea, because she was my big sister and she loved me like a fellow ax murderer, turned around and made good use of a chainsaw.

They'll thank me someday. 


	16. Chapter 16: The Thrill of the Chase

"Kill her, Andrea," the voice in my head commanded.

"But I'm in the middle of this really great book," I protested.

* * *

><p>"Kill her now, Andrea," the voice ordered.<p>

"But I'm in the middle of this really great movie," I complained.

* * *

><p>"Kill her <em>NOW,<em> Andrea," the voice in my head demanded.

"But I'm in the middle of this really great breath," I objected. I breathed deep and then let it out. "Ahh, yeah, that's good."


	17. Chapter 17: Interesting Times

He said, "It's not so bad, you know."

_Just walk on. Ignore him. He's only teasing, baiting-hoping you'll ask._

"What isn't?" she asked.

_Eliza, you fool._

"Being us."

"Us? I can't imagine what you mean."

He tamed a stray wisp of her hair. "I mean that there are two kinds of people in this world, Eliza. Those who are good, and those who are interesting. You're young yet, but you'll see in time. It's not so bad being on this side."

I looked at him. "You've forgotten the third kinds of people. Those who are good, AND interesting." I smiled impishly.

Somewhere far away, my sister set a piece of furniture on fire.

"Oh." I thought for a moment, and then said, "I didn't necessarily mean _us,_ you know."


	18. Chapter 18: The Smolder

"Please. I must leave this room."

"But you don't want to," he repeated.

"You're wrong," she insisted. "I don't know what sort of impression you've formed of me, Mr. Wright. But you're entirely wrong. Perhaps I AM frustrated with my seclusion. Perhaps I AM envious of my sisters, yearning for my own turn to dance and flirt and go driving in the park with gentlemen. Perhaps you've caught me in a defenseless moment-one where I'm ready for a bit of excitement all my own. You're obviously a handsome man, and I can't deny it's a little thrilling when you look at me that way."

"Only a little thrilling?" he teased. "I must be off my game. What if I look at you THIS way?"

He glanced aside for a moment, and back at her-fixing her with an intent, smoldering, knee-melting look. A look that blazed with all the fire and heat of candelabras in velvet-swathed boudoirs, and torches in hidden passageways, and bonfires that were bold tongues of orange against deep, boundless desert nights.

I stepped back. "Whoa! Okay, whoa, man! Wouldja lookat that!"

I heard a scream, and then a thud, as if someone had just fainted.

"Or don't." 


	19. Chapter 19: Explosive Chemistry

Cassandra suddenly stabbed Mor'ded with a knife, which she'd gotten from some great abyss.

I tapped the Imperial Lord politely. "Hey. You're dead, buddy."

"Oh, darn," he wheezed, and died.

Cassie beamed, and pushed the dead Mor'ded toward his newly orphaned son. "Here's a present for you," she gushed.

"Oh, Cassandra," Dominic sniffed, wiping a tear from his eye. "I'm touched."

I sat a bomb down between them, and then looked up. "Sorry."

I pushed the big red button which read, 'Do Not Push Accidentally' and ran.

_5 . . . 4 . . ._

Cassandra and Dominic looked at the ticking thing with puzzlement.

_3 . . . 2 . . ._

Then dawning horrified understanding.

_1 . . . 0 . . ._ _Beep!_ Sorry guys! No hard feelings, right?

_BOOM!_


	20. Chapter 20: Clandestine Nights

"You seduced me just because!"

"What? No I didn't! You're the one who seduced me!"

Completely ignoring that comment. "That's it! It's over, Guy! We're done!" _Sniff._ "You're despicable!"

"Wha-what? You're the despicable one! You weren't even going to make an honest man of me when you seduced me!" Sneer. "Libertine!"

Gasp. "What? I'm the victim! I was just an innocent, pure girl before I met you!"

"Ha! You were about as pure and innocent as my Uncle Joey! And, lemme tell ya, he was thrown into jail for indecent exposure! _Six times_!"

"Well, I _never!"_

"Yeah, right."


	21. Chapter 21: A Case of Mistaken Identity

I stood in front of Crom, the Broken and Bloody One.

I opened my suitcase and pulled out a few papers. "Listen, Crumb-"

"Crom."

"Whatever. Listen, you're charges are kidnapping, murder, and the attempted end of the world. That's not good, Comb."

"Crom."

"Right. You're not getting out of this, Crone-"

"Crom, I tell you!"

"Sure, sure. But listen, I may be a lawyer, but only because I forged it. I'm on the run now, Cough-"

"Crom, darn you!"

"Yeah. Anyway, I'm on the run now, dude. I've brought you these papers," I held out the papers from the suitcase. "which state quite plainly that you framed me and I am in no way associated with you and that you're the one who really robbed the bank, flashing people and animals along the way whilst waving a gun with a rather obscene image painted on it and throwing indecent pictures every which way and then making a run for it, hurling insults at the cops all the while." I took another piece of paper from the suitcase. "I even wrote your suicide note for you. Really, Couch, I'm doing you a favor."

"My name is CROM!" he shouted.

I threw up my hands. "Like I care what your name is!" I said, exasperated. "Anyway, Crouton, I'm gonna make a run for it and you're gonna just sit here and wait for the cops to take you away to prison for a few hundred years."

"It's _CROM!"_ he yelled.

I jumped. "Well, jeez," I huffed. "I get it. There's no need to yell. I'll use your real name. I was just funning you. Can't take a joke, can you? I know your name, man." I walked to the door, waved, and called, "I'll see you later, Ron." Then I walked out, the last noises the door shutting and the sound of Crud's soft sobbing echoing in the hall.


	22. Chapter 22: Expensive Toast

Fire. Sobs. Screams. Dead people.

"Run!" a woman wailed. "It's Crumb, the Buttered and Bready One!"

I take absolutely no responsibility if there is, in any part of this, a rhyme.

Also, reading this costs fifty bucks.  
>Thank you. <p>


	23. Chapter 23: Homecooking

"Diego's teaching me to cook his mother," Cassidy said.

"Don't you mean to cook LIKE his mother?" Eric asked.

She averted her eyes. "Oh. Sure. Yeah. Right. Mm-hm." 


End file.
